


The Yellow Brick Road

by InParisFrance



Category: Gundam SEED
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:55:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 16,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22505173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InParisFrance/pseuds/InParisFrance
Summary: The aftermath proves to be deadlier than the war, so the fight continues. The road will never be a straight path, but it will always lead us back to where it all began - home.
Relationships: Cagalli Yula Athha/Athrun Zala, Dearka Elsman/Miriallia Haw, Lacus Clyne/Kira Yamato, Mu La Flaga/Murrue Ramius, Shiho Hahnenfuss/Yzak Joule, Shinn Asuka/Lunamaria Hawke
Comments: 23
Kudos: 57





	1. Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Athrun leaves Cagalli with a promise

April, C.E. 74

There have never been a lot of words between them. And Cagalli has yet to figure if it’s because they have nothing to talk about or if they are simply content in each other’s presence. Nevertheless, the silence has always been comforting.

But then, she once again finds herself at her doorstep, standing in front of Athrun who is saying goodbye. So, she’s not entirely sure if the universe is telling her to move on already -- they never had anything to talk about anyway.

“Where are you going?” Cagalli asks.

“I don’t know.”

Cagalli frowns; he can’t even give her a proper answer. So, they really had nothing to talk about after all. “I see.”

Athrun puts his luggage down and takes Cagalli’s hands in his. “I don’t know myself. That’s why I have to go. I want to see everything; do everything. I want to find myself first because you don’t deserve to be with someone who doesn’t know himself.”

Cagalli scoffs, although she does not intend to mock him -- well, maybe she wanted to a little bit. “That’s a classic break-up line, Athrun.”

Athrun is startled, as if he hasn’t realized that til that moment. Then he laughs out loud. “You’re right. It is.”

Cagalli laughs with him, and she remembers now that although they never talked much, there was still much laughter between them. Playful banters, inside jokes, fun adventures -- despite their burdens, she and Athrun truly enjoyed each other’s company.

When the laughter dies, Cagalli tightens her grip on his hand. “Athrun, I can’t wait for you.”

“And I’m not expecting you to,” was his response. “But the way we are now, we can’t be together either.”

“So, is this goodbye?”

Athrun gives her a small smile. “I don’t know. But when I do find myself back to you, and you find it in your heart to welcome me back, then I promise we will know and love each other properly, the way we should have all those years ago.”

Cagalli lets him leave her at her doorstep. And she watches again as his transport flies him off to wherever he needs to be. But at least her questions have been answered.

And as she closes the door to her home, she thinks that maybe they never had to say much, after all.


	2. Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lacus reminds Kira that it's okay to cry.

November, C.E. 74

There are many days when Lacus would see Kira staring into nowhere. Then there are days when Lacus would catch tears sliding down Kira’s cheeks before he’d hurriedly wipe them away. 

This is one of those days.

Lacus reaches out to Kira’s face, to try to catch the tears that have unknowingly slid down his cheeks once again. But as soon as her fingers touch his skin, Kira jerks away and wipes his tears. “I’m fine. I’m fine. Lacus, I’m fine.”

“It doesn’t seem that way,” Lacus says quietly, mildly hurt at Kira’s reaction.

“I’m fine,” Kira repeats. “I’m not crying.”

“Many years ago, I told you it’s okay to cry,” Lacus tells him softly, and she reaches for his hand. “It still is.”

“I did terrible things.” Kira shudders at himself. “Despicable things. I survived when they didn’t. I don’t deserve to cry.”

“Oh Kira.” Lacus tightens her grip on Kira as she thinks of what to say next. “People cry for themselves, but they also cry for others. There is nothing selfish about crying, so there is no need to feel bad for it.”

Lacus stands closer to Kira and wraps him in her embrace. “Kira, if you feel like crying, there is no reason for you to hinder yourself.”

And as memories of his past come flooding back -- the friends he lost, the lives he took, Kira buries himself in Lacus’ arms. And as the ocean waves crash onto the shore, a scarred man’s sobs echo under the night sky.


	3. Burden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cagalli laments.

June, C.E. 76

When Cagalli would see young women her age out on the street, her mind wanders. How different would her life have been if she’s one of those girls? Going to university, hanging out with her friends, going on dates, having a stable and normal job?

Sometimes, Cagalli hates how her life has turned out. Since childhood, she has always been expected to be someone greater than herself. Surrounded by veterans and politicians, often she’d find herself under the judgemental gazes of old men. She always had to fight for her place and her dignity -- she still does to this day. And the constant need to prove herself worthy of respect is tiresome. So really, Cagalli Yula Athha is simply tired.

She wishes for a normal life, where she is expected to take care of only herself and her family and nothing greater. She wishes for a life where her decisions affect no one else but herself. She wishes for a life where she only has to worry of her own happiness and can put that happiness above anyone else’s.

Cagalli wishes for many things. Truly, she does.

And yet, she’d see children playing in the park or walking to school. She’d see families eating together or having picnics or shopping in the mall. She’d see tired people like herself doing normal things expected of normal people. And she’d think, “Maybe all this is worth it.”

So Cagalli wakes up every day and does her work the best she can because she knows there are people out there who are doing their best to live too. So she does all this for them and for herself. 

Because perhaps this isn’t the life she chose to live, but it is the life that was given to her. 

So she takes life one day at a time and makes peace with her burden.


	4. Grieve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Athrun's past haunts him.

October, C.E. 76

When your past haunts you, there is no place in the world that you can hide from it. But Athrun still tries.

In the aftermath of the Second Bloody Valentine War, there is still much healing to be done. So, after Athrun left Orb and Cagalli for the second time, he visits the places ruined by the war. He goes by Alex Dino once again because no one really appreciates his true identity. And he’s afraid the townspeople would only reject him if they knew who he was.

For the next few years, he spends his days helping the reconstruction of towns, volunteering at rescue missions, assisting in soup kitchens and orphanages. He spends his days trying to do as much good as he can. Perhaps to distract himself from the ghosts he still sees. Perhaps to atone for all the sins he’s committed. Perhaps to save himself from the guilt and anger.

Perhaps to escape the life he’s cursed with.

Athrun spends his nights alone. In his travels, he makes acquaintances and jokes around with the townspeople, but he does not venture closer. He is afraid he’ll get too close; his past has taught him to be wary of others and of himself. That’s why he doesn’t stay at a town for too long.

Some nights, the televisions of the bars he frequents are turned on to the news or to late night talk shows. Some nights, they feature the friends he left behind. He’d see Lacus on screen, regal as ever, talking about her new job as a peace ambassador or about her upcoming charity concert. He’d hear Yzak, with his signature snides and grunts, explaining the closure of PLANT’s mobile suit factories. He’d see Cagalli, proud and stubborn, shaking hands with the new leaders of PLANT and the Earth Alliance after signing new peace treaties -- this is his favorite.

Some days he would think he’s sure and stable and finally ready to go back home.

And yet there are days worse than others -- a lot worse. While handing out rations, he would see a woman with short blue hair and green eyes like his. While carrying blocks of cement, he would notice a young man with curly green hair, and he would hear a distant piano playing a familiar song. While delivering goods to another town, he would catch a woman with long gray hair and freckles humming a Lacus Clyne song. 

“Hey, Alex, you okay?” A man claps his back. “You’ve been spacing out a while there.”

Athrun looks up and shakes his head. “Oh. Sorry. I just remembered something.”

“Don’t worry about it. Just don’t think too much,” the man says. “We’ve still got a lot of work to do.”

“You’re right.” Athrun goes back to whatever he was doing. “There’s still a lot of work to do.”


	5. Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Athrun, Yzak and Dearkka have a long, overdue talk

January, C.E. 77

As Dearkka Elseman passes by a small community east of Suez for an ocular inspection of the defunct Lohengrin Gate, he cannot believe his eyes when he sees a familiar face with blue hair and green eyes carrying bags of bread. He skids his jeep to a stop, stunning his passenger.

“What do you think you’re doing, Elseman?” 

Dearkka parks the jeep on the side of the road. “Yzak.” 

“What?”

Dearkka points to the man he believes to be his former comrade. “I think I just figured out where Athrun’s been hiding all this time.”

\---

The three men sit in silence at a local cafe. After the waitress brings their drinks to their table, Yzak begins the conversation awkwardly. “I saw Chief Representative Athha at the Eurasian conference last week.”

“Oh.” Athrun takes a sip of his black tea. “How is she?”

Yzak shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly. “She’s still fighting the good fight. She’ll survive.”

Dearkka looks at his companions. “So, we finally sit down together after four years, and the first thing we talk about is Athrun’s ex. Nice.”

There are chuckles around the table as the three finally relax in each other’s company. Dearkka turns to Athrun. “So, is this where you’re settling down?”

“No,” Athrun answers without hesitation. “Just a stopover.”

“To where?”

“I don’t know yet.”

Dearkka leans back into his chair. “You ever plan on coming back to the military?”

“No.” Athrun laughs, almost mockingly. “I’m never going back there.”

Dearkka scrunches his nose. “Why not?” 

Before Athrun could answer, Yzak scoffs. “That’s rich coming from the guy who filed for a formal discharge a few weeks ago.”

Athrun looks at the two, startled. He never expected one of them to quit being a soldier. Dearkka waves a hand dismissively. “It’s true; I don’t have any moral ascendancy. But let’s face it: I was never cut out for the military. But Athrun’s always been a good soldier, his two defections notwithstanding.”

Athrun grins. “Thank you for the disclaimer. So, what do you plan to do now?”

Dearkka plays with the straw of his iced tea. “My family has a shop in December City. I’ll help out there.”

“I see.” Athrun then turns to Yzak who’s sipping his coffee. “And you? Do you plan to retire your uniform anytime soon?”

Yzak shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head, his expression grim. “Probably not. I don’t know what else I can do in this life.”

As the awkward silence sets in again, Dearkka slams his hand on the table, jolting his two companions. “Come on, this isn’t a pity party. Let’s catch up on the good things! Make a lot of jokes, go get drinks, and just have fun.”

And they do.


	6. Solider

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yzak confides in Shiho.

February, C.E. 77

“I think it went well.” Shiho Hahnenfuss starts organizing the day’s documents and places them on her clipboard.

Yzak looks at his subordinate curiously. “What did?”

“Today.” Shiho glances up from her clipboard and meets her superior’s gaze. “Dearka’s discharge is effective starting today. And I think you did well in his absence.”

Yzak snorts. “It’s not the first time he’s absent from work. I’ve survived much worse than this.”

Shiho sits down on the chair in front of Yzak’s desk. “I know. But I also know you miss him.”

Yzak doesn’t answer, and he turns his gaze away from her. “What do you want, Hahnenfuss?”

“Nothing,” Shiho says. “Just that, it’s okay to miss a friend. And it’s okay to talk about it.”

When she’s met with only silence, Shiho leaves her seat and prepares to leave the office. But as she is about to open the door, Yzak starts to speak. “I envy Dearka. He has the courage to leave this hellhole. He can quit without fearing what his life would become.”

Shiho takes her seat again in front of Yzak. Yzak looks at her, his expression grim.

“But I can’t do that. Because as unfortunate as it sounds, this --” Yzak gestures around the room. “This is the only thing I know how to do. And worse, I think I’m pretty good at it. But it gets lonely. All my comrades are either dead or away. I always thought Dearka would stay with me til’ the end; I was wrong. Now I don’t know if I could ever escape this. If I even want to escape this. And that scares me.”

“It’s okay to feel that way.” Shiho takes a moment to think. “Just know that you can leave if you want to; no one will blame you. And even if you don’t leave, know that you’ll always be fighting the good fight.” Shiho pauses again, unsure if giving her commanding officer a pat on the arm or the back is appropriate. She settles for keeping her hands to herself. “It’s difficult, but someone’s got to do it. And it takes a lot of courage for that someone to do it.”

Yzak remains quiet for a while, and he averts his gaze from Shiho’s face. “Shiho, do you think, after everything I’ve done, I deserve to be happy?”

“Of course you do,” Shiho says easily. “We all do.”

“Then, do you think I know how to be happy?” Yzak looks at Shiho again.

“Yes.” Shiho smiles, almost amused. “You just don’t do things the way everyone else does. But you’ll get there.”

“Shiho.” Yzak hesitates, but he ultimately places a hand over Shiho’s, grateful. “If I could have it my way, I wouldn’t want Dearka to leave. But as it is, I’m glad you’re still here.”


	7. Apology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinn and Cagalli bury the past.

July, C.E. 77

The sun has almost set. It’s funny, Shinn thinks -- it’s always sunset when he arrives to pay his respects. The sky’s bright blues has turned into a harmony of reds and violets. And the tombstone memorial looks heavenly against the changing colors.

“Captain Asuka.”

Shinn turns around to the sound of his name. It’s difficult not to recognize the gravelly voice. Once, his temper would rise at the sight and sound of this woman. She used to irritate him; she was annoyingly idealistic which only exposed her ignorance and privilege. But now, his emotions have been subdued to a begrudging respect and acknowledgement that perhaps she isn’t all bad.

Shinn comes face to face with Cagalli. The fire in her eyes, although still burning, has toned down from maturity and experience. She no longer appears to be the stubborn, naive leader that places her morals on an ivory tower. Now, there is a commanding presence about her; she is regal and refined. She is no more a princess, but a queen.

Shinn gives Cagalli a courteous nod. “Chief Representative.”

Cagalli directs her gaze at the tombstone at the edge of the landscape, and she places a beautiful arrangement of sunflowers and daisies on the ground. “You have come to visit your family?” 

“Yes.” There is a wistful tone to his voice. “I don’t come here often, so I make it a point to visit them when I do.”

Cagalli looks at the man who once shouted at her in anger, the man who blamed her and her father for all his losses. His white ZAFT uniform is all buttoned up, and he is wearing the cap that comes with it. He’s definitely not the brash and brazen kid she met on the Minerva. He has grown and matured, and she thinks, he wasn’t entirely wrong when he said all those things many years ago.

Moments pass, as the two stand beside each other in tense silence.

Cagalli faces Shinn. Her voice is soft but firm. “I made many mistakes. And I can only spend the rest of my life trying to atone for my sins. But please know that I’m trying.”

Shinn’s eyes never leave the tombstone before him. He thinks of his father, his mother, and his sister who are long gone but hopefully in a better place. “I know. You did your best. You and your father did; I know that now.” Because he knows, decisions aren’t black and white. There are gray areas to consider, and there’s only so much we can expect of our human leaders. “And I know all you wanted was to protect your people.”

Cagalli heaves a sigh. “But there are still a lot of things I have to learn to be able to truly protect my people.”

Shinn thinks, at least she regrets; at least she’s learning; at least she takes accountability. “Yes, and I appreciate that you’re trying.”

Cagalli looks at him gratefully. “Thank you.”

Shinn and Cagalli are not friends; they probably never will be, but there is closure in acknowledgement and effort. And at this point, that is all they can ask for from each other.


	8. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Milly comes to terms with her demons.

December, C.E. 77

Milly makes good money being a wedding photographer. Her job immerses her in all things merry. Sometimes, she thinks there’s too much merry. But then, better a surplus of merry than a shortage of it. She has a surplus of bachelors surrounding her too, which isn’t such a bad thing. And similar to the previous wedding she did, Milly finds herself tangled in the sheets with one of the groomsmen whose name she’s long forgotten.

In the darkness, Milly gets up from the bed and puts her clothes on quietly. She gathers her purse, grabs her heels by the slings, and starts tiptoeing to the front door of the hotel room. 

“Where are you off to?” 

Milly straightens her back, and with her best smile, she turns back to the man she left in bed supposedly asleep. “I’m going home.”

“Without saying goodbye?”

Milly drops her smile. “I didn’t think I needed to.”

Two months later, she finds herself staring at the man who she left in bed in the hotel room. He approaches her, scratching the back of his head. “Well, the groom must have liked your work from when you did our friend’s wedding a few months ago.”

“I’m sorry, you are?” Milly cleans her camera lens.

“Tod. The guy you slept with at that wedding months ago?” Tod doesn’t know whether to feel amused or embarrassed. 

Milly’s going to be honest — she’s slept with four more guys at weddings since Tod. Milly isn’t very good with names, but she’s got quite a memory for faces — it comes with being a photographer. “Right.” Milly, however, does not like meeting the same people twice, especially when those people have seen her intoxicated and naked. “Yeah, I have to go.”

As Milly turns her heels, Tod says, “Wait. I’m sorry. Did I do something wrong? Am I making you uncomfortable?”

“You — you didn’t do anything wrong.” Milly starts fidgeting, and she can feel her palms getting sweaty. She looks at Tod, and suddenly he has curly brown hair, green eyes and a round face. “I just, I have things to do, pictures to take. I have to go.”

“Why are you running away?” 

“I’m not.” Milly shakes her head furiously. “I’m not running away!”

“Then what are you doing right now?”

“Just leave me alone!” Milly is almost hysterical at this point. She storms away, fuming. Milly locks herself in a bathroom stall. She sits on the lidded toilet and brings her knees up. She repeats in hushed whispers. “This is all your fault. This is all your fault. This is all your fault.”

Locked in the cubicle, she spends her time running through different scenarios — possibilities. Things she could have said and done. Maybe everything would’ve been different — better. She entertains thoughts of what-ifs and what-could-have-beens. 

She finally returns to her post after half an hour. The wedding planner approaches her and offers her dinner. Milly refuses. “It’s okay. I’m fine — I’m sorry, I’m not in the mood to eat.”

Just as the host bids the guests good night, Tod approaches her again. “Hey, look, about earlier -- I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you or anything.”

Milly looks at him, her head clear. She sees his blond hair and brown eyes. “No, I’m sorry I freaked. I just --”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain.” Tod raises a hand up. “Anyway, I have to go.”

As he turns to leave, Milly grabs hold of Tod’s shirt sleeve. “I’m really sorry for running away. I didn’t mean to run away.”

Tod merely smiles before walking away.

After the party, Milly does not share her bed with another man, and she does not sleep a wink either.

One week later, Milly has developed and mailed all the photos to the newly weds. She has packed and cleaned out her apartment. She books a flight to Suez, and from there, she plans to wing it. She slings her camera bag over her shoulder and shuts the door behind her. 

It’s time to stop running away.


	9. Realize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meyrin meets Athrun again.

September, C.E. 77

Meyrin can’t believe her eyes when she bumps into Athrun at the marketplace. She had been with Ben, one of her co-teachers at the kindergarten she works in, and the person she’s dating. She had been looking through a beautiful selection of books with an arm wrapped around Ben’s when she spotted her former commander at the other side of the bookstore.

“Athrun!” She calls out. 

Athrun turns around, and his face breaks into a smile upon seeing his friend. After three years, she’s healthier, livelier and prettier, and her pigtails are long gone. “Meyrin.”

Meyrin untangles herself from Ben and rushes to hug Athrun. She hasn’t heard from or about him in years -- in fact, no one has. He hasn’t been presumed dead or anything, but people have been whispering that since the war, he’s gone and dropped off the grid. “Oh my god, I didn’t know you moved here!”

“I’m just visiting the town to get supplies. I’ll be off again after I finish my errands.” Athrun takes a step back. “What about you? I didn’t think you’d move to Scandinavia after resigning.”

“I needed a change of pace,” Meyrin tells him. “And now I teach toddlers, who are — no offense, way better company than soldiers.”

Athrun laughs. “Definitely.”

Someone coughs from behind them, and Meyrin gives a small gasp. “Right, right — I’m so rude. Athrun, this is Ben. Ben, Athrun.”

Ben smiles and extends a hand towards Athrun. “Ben Hughes. I used to be from the ZAFT Forces 4th Division before being discharged. Was never in the front lines but I’ve heard a lot about you. It’s an honor to meet you, Commander Zala.”

“I wouldn’t call it an honor but thank you. Pleasure to meet you.” Athrun shakes his hand. Ben Hughes has blond hair and doesn’t have a killer’s eyes. Just as well. “Please call me Athrun.”

“Meyrin, why don’t you two catch up?” Ben tells her.

“Oh, but we have to pick up that cake for your sister!” Meyrin says.

“It’s okay. I can do that on my own.” Ben waves a hand at her. “You haven’t seen each other in so long. It’s only right.” He kisses her on the temple before leaving. “I’ll see you later.”

“He’s very nice.” Athrun grins at Meyrin.

“He’s the best.” Meyrin beams back and drags him by the hand. “Come on, let’s go sit somewhere and eat. I know this great cafe —!”

—

Athrun and Meyrin settle down in one of the tables of a quaint coffee shop, and the server brings them their tea and cakes a while later.

Athrun starts the conversation. “So will you be moving back to the PLANTs or are you settling down here for good?”

“I’ll probably stay here.” Meyrin stirs her tea with a teaspoon. “There are a lot of reasons to stay.” 

“That’s great. I’m truly happy for you.” Athrun tells her earnestly. “This is the first time you’ve liked someone, right?”

Meyrin stares at him, a bit incredulously. She says slowly, “You know I had the biggest crush on you, right?”

Athrun blinks a few times. “You did?”

Meyrin tries to stop herself from laughing. “You’re a decorated war hero and one of the smartest people I know. How could you be so clueless about these things?”

“I -- I hadn’t noticed,” Athrun admitted, almost shyly.

“It was so obvious. I couldn’t even believe myself back then.” Meyrin throws her head back, laughing. She then leans forward, and brings her volume down to a whisper. “Athrun, even the Chief Representative knew.”

Athrun looks at her blankly. “Cagalli knew?”

“Mhmm. She even told me to take care of you.” Meyrin leans back onto her chair. She brings a hand to her chin, musing. “But then you had a lot going on back then. I suppose I can’t blame you for not noticing.” Meyrin shrugs and waves a hand in dismissal. “In any case, I’m over it so it doesn’t really matter.”

After a short pause, Athrun asks, “Why?”

“Why am I over it?”

“Yes.”

Meyrin gives him a quizzical look but humors him nonetheless. “Because it was hopeless. You were so in love with the Chief Representative, and after a while, I realized I was just infatuated with you.” She looks down and takes a bite of her chocolate cake slice. “I mean, I definitely care for you as a friend but my love -- if you can even call it that, just wasn’t that deep.”

“How did you know that?” Athrun is genuinely curious.

Meyrin gives her answer a thought. A while later, she answers him. “You just do. You just feel it. It’s hard to explain, and I honestly think it’s a different experience for everyone -- but when you love someone, you’re just overcome with this emotion that’s just bigger than you.” Meyrin takes a sip of her drink. “It may come after a few months, or a few years. But when it comes, you’ll definitely know.”

“But then, how did you know that your love for me won’t ever come at all? How did you know to just be over me?”

Meyrin purses her lips in amusement. “Well, that’s quite narcissistic of you, Athrun.”

“I’m sorry.” Athrun chuckles, aware that he does sound quite narcissistic. “But I do want to know.”

Meyrin laughs with him, but then gives herself a moment to think. As narcissistic as the questions may seem, they’re still difficult questions to answer. “I would say, it’s a gut feel?” Meyrin seems unsure. She chews the cake inside her mouth and tries to piece her thoughts together. And at the back of her mind, she knows that Athrun wouldn’t have asked this if there wasn’t anything more to it. She says slowly, “But also, and more importantly, it’s a choice -- and that doesn’t apply to just love. You have to want it, and you have to choose it. Those things are very related, but also very different.”

Athrun considers her answer. “So how do you know it’s the right choice?”

Meyrin smiles. “The funny thing is, you won’t ever know if it’s the right choice. Not even in hindsight. You just think, what is the best decision I can make now? And you stand by that choice. Everyday.” 

Meyrin remembers the time she and Athrun met Lacus at the launching dock of the Archangel. She remembers that Athrun had felt forced to fight, but Lacus had reminded him that fighting -- like all other decisions, are entirely Athrun’s choices to make. And looking at him now, Meyrin feels that perhaps Athrun wanted to be reminded of that again. That he has a choice.

She looks at him and stresses, “Athrun, remember you are in control of your life. So you get to choose. Life, love, happiness -- these are all your choices. You are Athrun Zala, so you choose what Athrun Zala does.”

There is a sort of childlike innocence to the stare Athrun gives Meyrin. Athrun’s been lost so many times. He feels as if he is perpetually lost, and is only pulled back momentarily by friends before going back into the void. And he knows he can’t escape it that way because there are just some things you really have to do on your own. At the same time, knowing you have a choice and exercising that choice is easier said than done.

But he does appreciate the reminder. He needs it, anyway. “Thank you.”

Meyrin places a hand above his. “It’s a tedious process. I can’t tell you what makes you better or how to make you better. All I can say is, you’ve been through a lot and you deserve time for yourself sorting out whatever internal conflict you may have, however long that would take. And all your friends are still here to help you if you need us. Just — no pressure.” Meyrin takes another sip of her drink. She shrugs and adds snarkily in friendly banter, “Well, you can also see a therapist.”


	10. Ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mwu sees ghosts in his dreams.

February, C.E. 78

He never came back. Not entirely. Not completely. Perhaps he would, ways into the road, but there are too many times that Mwu would grab onto the back of a chair, teeth gritted, eyes closed, body shaking. As if the memories have come back. As if the memories are taking over him again. Layers upon layers of memories and injected memories have led him to not knowing what is real and what is fiction.

When he sleeps, he dreams of children -- two boys and one girl. A green-haired boy with a slender build and a confident expression bordering arrogance. A blue-haired boy, playful and temperamental, prone to outbursts and impulses. And a blond girl with a starry-eyed look on her face, blissfully unaware by default but deadly when provoked. He dreams of blood -- the sickening redness of it, and the salty iron smell that inflames his lungs. He dreams of pain -- excruciating pain that seems to tear off his flesh and crush his bones. And he wonders in these dreams, does he deserve all that -- the pain, the blood, the mind games?

He opens his eyes, and he sees a woman that calms the beating of his heart. She has brown hair, kind eyes and a smile that, albeit sad, tells him gently that it’s okay; that it will pass. He never dreams of this woman. Because there’s never been a need to. She’s always there, sitting across him drinking a cup of coffee. She’s there, sleeping soundly beside him as he listens to the soft beats coming from her chest. She’s there when he opens his eyes; she extends a hand towards him, and tells him, “I’m here.”

He might never come back. Not truly. Not completely. People lose things in war. And he probably doesn’t deserve to lament the things he’s lost. After all, he’s contributed his share in taking things away from people. He deserves to lose things as well. But when he takes her hand and feels her warmth, he thinks maybe all is not lost. Maybe there’s hope, and maybe there’s still redemption for people like him. And for that, he is thankful.


	11. Pull

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cagalli wonders if she's doing the right thing.

October, C.E. 78

Cagalli leans into the crib and coos at the little bundle lying on the sheets. She’s such a tiny person, with tiny fists bunched up around her face, big eyes staring up wonderingly, and pink chubby cheeks that invite pinching. “She’s such a beauty, Erica.”

Erica Simmons, in a loose maternity dress and with her hair up in a messy bun, gives the chief representative a grin. “She is, alright. Who knew I’d get knocked up again after so many years?”

“You didn’t plan to have her?” Cagalli reaches into the crib and dangles her forefinger to the baby -- Enna. Enna grabs Cagalli’s finger with her hand, making Cagalli feel giddy and excited.

“Not exactly.” Erica arranges the pillows and blankets surrounding her daughter. “Not that my husband and I are complaining. We’re much more stable now, so we shouldn’t have trouble raising her. Besides, Ryuta likes the idea of having a little sister to play with, so there’s that.”

“I should stay until Ryuta gets out of school,” Cagalli muses, still letting Enna play with her finger. “I haven’t seen him in a while.”

Enna lets go of Cagalli’s finger, and she raises both arms -- she tries to, at least. Erica chuckles and smiles at the blond. “You want to hold her?”

Cagalli turns to her sheepishly. “You know, I’m really scared I’ll drop her and you’ll hate me forever.”

“You’ve handled complicated machinery and piloted a mobile suit.” Erica laughs. She dips into the crib and gathers baby Enna into her arms, a hand on the bottom and another to support her head. “I think you’ll be fine.”

Erica approaches Cagalli, but the latter hesitates, not knowing whether to stretch out her hands to hold the baby or to avoid her entirely. “Piloting a mobile suit did not require gentle care -- but okay.”

Erica guides Cagalli into properly holding Enna. “A hand on her head and neck -- be careful there, that’s the most sensitive part, and another hand supporting her bottom. See? You’re doing just fine.” Erica nods approvingly, but Cagalli has become quiet. Erica finds her staring at the baby blankly. “Is something wrong?”

Cagalli keeps still for a while. “Nothing.” She tightens her hold on the baby for a bit. “She’s just so...pure. So precious, so beautiful.” Cagalli looks up at the woman she perceives to be a mentor to her. “Should I -- can I even hold something as innocent as this?”

Erica studies the look on Cagalli’s face; she seems she’s about to cry. “What are you talking about? Of course you can! And you should.”

Cagalli returns Enna to her mother. “I’ve done...despicable things -- things I’ve done so that power doesn’t go into the wrong hands, things I’ve done to keep my power. I said I won’t repeat my mistakes. I said I’ll protect my people. But the things I’ve done in the name of protection -- maybe I’m just deluding myself. How am I better than the Blue Cosmos? Logos? The Seirans?”

“I can’t tell you that because only you can answer that for yourself.” Erica places Enna back in her crib, and the baby coos. Erica looks at her daughter fondly before turning to Cagalli who has seated herself on a wooden kiddie chair, a forlorn look on her face. Erica suddenly notices how misplaced Cagalli looks -- the highest government official in her uniform against the backdrop of a nursery. Rather, a twenty-three year old who has the burden of an entire nation on her shoulders and was forced to grow up so quickly to fill in shoes she wasn’t meant to fill until several years later. A soft lullaby wafts the room, with the coos of a three-month old in the background. “Cagalli, no one can be completely, morally, ethically good. Especially not someone in your position. Especially not in the aftermath of a war.”

Cagalli looks up at her, and for a second, Erica pities the girl. “Are you saying everything I did was justified?”

“No.” Erica sits beside her. “What I’m saying is, you’re the leader of a nation. And sometimes, there are things you have to do, choices you have to make. They’re not always right, but hardly anything is nowadays. And perhaps that’s okay.” She holds Cagalli’s hands in hers. “The most dangerous thing is doing all these without guilt and believing they’re right. Or knowing they’re wrong but still not correcting them moving forward.” She stresses, “You’re neither of those things. You keep on learning; you keep on growing. And sometimes,” Erica takes a pause. “Maybe that’s enough. So all I’m saying is -- you’re not the worst one. There’s still so much to improve, yes, and you are improving.” Erica catches the tear that slides Cagalli’s cheek. “You’re not a bad person, Cagalli. Quite the contrary, in fact. I hope you can see that.” 

Erica pulls Cagalli into a hug, and she can feel the blond hold onto her tightly; Erica softly pats her back. She whispers, “Regardless of how this all ends, know that your legacy would be as someone who pulled through.”


	12. Empty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lunamaria feels cheated on.

May, C.E. 79

His eyes are always blank. In the rare instances they have a decent amount of time together, Luna notices his eyes stare farther beyond the present, into an unknown. 

They share an apartment together in Aprilius, yet despite sleeping on the same bed on most nights, Shinn seems much farther away than he should be. And while Luna does not know much of the details as Shinn still keeps them to himself, she isn’t dumb. She knows exactly where his mind is, and where his eyes stare at. It pains her heart, and she doesn’t know what hurts more -- Shinn thinking of a woman who has passed on years ago, or Shinn completely oblivious to how much his behavior affects her.

At first she thought his reaction was normal, especially so soon after the war ended. It was understandable at the time. Everyone had some sort of baggage they had to bear; she did too. And Shinn was no different. But one would think that after five years, things will change for the better. That Shinn will start seeing the present without being bogged down so much by the past. But it’s been close to five years, and it still isn’t happening.

Don’t get her wrong, Shinn has changed. In many ways. For the better. He is no longer rash and prone to tantrums. He reasonably understands hierarchy and authority now. He can lead a team into a mission without being incensed at the slightest hiccup or opposition. He has become a better soldier. But a better boyfriend? 

Sometimes Luna does not know why she puts herself through this. It isn’t like Shinn mistreats her. Not at all. He does all the things boyfriends are expected to do: give you gifts, take you on dates, give you support and encouragement when you need it. But at the same time, he’s just...never there. Never present. She can just feel it. And Luna thinks she deserves better than that.

There are days when she stirs up a fight about it with him. Just because she’s in the mood and feels like it. Just because she’s come to realize that she can’t keep deluding herself like this, or keep on letting him delude her like this. He’d clap back, of course. Shinn has always been a defensive man.

She would tell him, “You’re living in the past. And you’re living for her. Look, I’m not saying that you should forget her entirely. But you can’t have it both, Shinn. You can’t live here but just think about her!” 

He’d respond, “You don’t understand what it feels like, Luna!” He would never deny her accusations, and that always annoyed Luna to no bounds.

She’d feel insulted of course. “What, you don’t think I see ghosts too?”

They’d go on like that for half an hour or an hour at most. Then one of them would extend an olive branch, and all would be fine and dandy again. The apartment would still feel hollow though. Honestly, Luna doesn’t know why she puts up with this.

But she sticks around because Shinn is comfortable. They have fallen into a nice, familiar routine that she’s afraid to break. Because after being on the battlefront, she craves some sort of stability in her life. And despite the persisting pain the relationship gives her, it does give her the stability she wants. The stability she needs. 

But then he’s making her compete with a ghost. And it’s so unfair. Because how can you even compete with someone you can’t see or hear or touch? How can you compete with someone who remains a sentimental memory, an untarnished angel victimized by human greed? Luna’s still human, so she fails and hurts and offends. And naturally, all her flaws will add up and will come against her. Slowly. Seeping. But it’s there, and you’ll just feel the effects of it later on when it’s too late.

This won’t work. Not in the long run. She knows that. So sooner or later, in one way or another, she’s going to have to do something about this. It won’t be pretty. And it’s not just going to last an hour of their time.


	13. Quiet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kira has trouble moving on.

September, C.E. 79

Lacus doesn’t know when it started, but she can feel something’s changed. Kira has always been a quiet person, but at least before he would open up to her, and cry to her. He would allow her to see him weak and vulnerable. But certainly things have changed since; she doesn't know when or where or how — and honestly, that’s the least of her concerns. She just wants things to go back to the way they were, but Lacus has grown afraid with each passing day. She feels their relationship will crumble at any time. Worse still, she does not know what to do to make things right. Kira is more distant now, and Lacus wants to be proven wrong, but it truly feels like he’s avoiding her. And she’s at a loss why that is. 

One night, as she finishes up in the kitchen, she notices Kira standing against the door frame. Quiet. More quiet than usual. Awfully quiet that it scares her.

“I have to go,” he tells her. “I have to go somewhere.”

Lacus can feel her chest tighten. “Are you leaving me?”

Kira looks up, shaking his head. “No, not like that, Lacus.” He turns away from her. “I just — I’m just looking for something.”

Lacus holds her apron tightly, her fist clenched; she can feel her nails digging into her palm through the cloth. She doesn’t know what to do. She feels like crying. “And there’s nothing I can do to stop you?”

Kira still doesn’t look at her. “I’m sorry.”

Lacus’ lips quiver. Her body is shaking; her heart is pounding. She is terrified. She can’t lose Kira. Not like this. “Is it me?” She cries desperately. Lacus Clyne does not plead, but she feels she’s running out of options. “Because I can change — I can do better, be better — I”

“Lacus, it’s not you. I love you the way you are.” Finally, Kira looks at her. He approaches her and holds her shoulders with both hands. Yet for some reason, Lacus isn’t comforted at all. Far from it, in fact. “It’s not you. Please don’t ever think it’s you. There’s just something I have to do. Alone. And it has nothing to do with you.”

She has been with this man for seven years and it has nothing to do with her? Lacus has to admit: that hurt. But at that moment, she is too scared to say anything, to do anything.

Lacus looks at him in the eyes, but Kira does not seem to see her; he seems so far away. And she feels she no longer has a choice. “Okay.”

Fast forward a week later, she is still too scared to say and do anything. Never mind that Kira packs a suitcase. Never mind that Kira books a ticket without a return date. Never mind that Kira simply kisses her on the cheek, whispers an apology and closes the door on her without as much as a second glance.

Never mind that as soon as he does, she breaks down on the floor and screams into the carpet, not knowing where she went wrong and where to go next.


	14. Learn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lacus is human too.

September, C.E. 79

Cagalli looks up from reading the long document on the new refugee policy to see her friend pacing the perimeter of her office. In hindsight, it might not have been a good idea to let Lacus stay with her at the Parliament building. Cagalli’s too busy prepping for a session in the afternoon, and she reckons a government building may not be the best place for an overthinking woman to calm down.

Cagalli looks back down at the papers on her desk. She really wants to be an accommodating host for her friend who flew to Orb in a flurry after her brother left the home he shared with Lacus last week, but she has been reading the same sentence for a few times now. 

“You’re going to burn a hole through my carpet,” Cagalli drawls. 

Lacus stops and glances at Cagalli. She looks like she’s about to cry.

“He says it has nothing to do with me. He says it’s not my fault, that he loves me the way I am. But he still left, didn’t he? He still left me alone, and I don’t know what to say or do — I don’t know what to feel, Cagalli!” Lacus is rambling. Cagalli has never seen her ramble. Lacus has always been calm, collected — zen. To see her spiraling is unnerving, and she makes a mental note to kick her brother’s ass to oblivion when he comes back.

Cagalli heaves herself up from her desk, and walks toward the cupboard on the right side of her office. She pours hot water into a cup with a teabag resting on it. She dips the bag into the water a few times before bringing the cup to her friend.

“Lacus, why don’t you take a seat? Here, have some tea. It’s chamomile. Your favorite, right?”

“Thank you.” Lacus seems to hesitate before sitting on the couch and taking the cup from Cagalli. She takes a sip of the tea then places the cup on the table, and she starts shaking. “Cagalli, do you think he grew tired of me? Maybe I bored him —”

“Of course not. You have been an amazing partner, and Kira knows it,” Cagalli says easily. She places a hand on Lacus’. “Maybe the guilt just caught up. Maybe he hasn’t properly moved on. Maybe there are just things he still has to face and deal with.”

“Then why can’t I be part of that?” Lacus turns to her friend, eyes wide and searching. “Why doesn’t he want me involved? I can help him go through it! I’ve been helping him all these years, haven’t I?”

“Yes, you have. And I’m sure he’s grateful for it.” Cagalli holds Lacus’ hands tighter. She pauses for a while and phrases her next words carefully. “But Lacus, there are just some things we have to do alone. That doesn’t make our friends and loved ones irrelevant. It’s just...personal, and private. And if we’re on the other side of that, if we’re the partner, then I suppose we have to respect that.”

Lacus is quiet for a while. “Is that the reason you let Athrun go?”

Cagalli looks away. “One of many reasons, yes.”

Lacus pulls her back. “Cagalli, but what if he never comes back to you? Aren’t you afraid that he’ll never come back?”

“Honestly, it doesn’t matter where he ends up,” Cagalli tells her truthfully. “I know he’s out there finding himself and being a better man — well, trying to be anyway. We may or may not end up together but as long as he’s alive and well, that’s enough for me.”

Lacus chews on her lower lip. “I’m scared, Cagalli.”

“I know you are, and your feelings are valid.” Cagalli squeezes Lacus’ hands softly, trying to tell her it’s okay. “But Lacus, I think you should trust Kira more, you know. He may be an airhead, but he’s a smart guy. He’ll get there— to you, I mean. Eventually. And if he doesn’t — well, that’s fine too because I’ll be here if you need someone to burn Kira’s pictures with.” 

Lacus looks like she’s about to cry, but she sobs out a laugh instead. “I’m pathetic, aren’t I? Always needing to be with Kira. Always wanting to be needed.”

“Lacus, you are not pathetic.” Cagalli wraps her friend in a warm embrace. She whispers, “You’re just human. With human wants and desires. So let yourself be human.” Cagalli pulls back, “but extend that same kindness to Kira too.”

Lacus swallows, and she nods, wiping the tears about to fall from her eyes. “Oh you’re right. You’re right. I shouldn’t be too worried.”

“You shouldn’t,” Cagalli agrees. “Now, I love you, Lacus, but I really have to finish prepping.” Cagalli stands up and heads for her desk. “Have my secretary arrange a car for you to take you wherever you want to go. We’ll continue this conversation tonight, and we can do whatever you want after, okay?”


	15. Ripple

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kira tries to put the pieces together.

November, C.E. 79 

“Self-pity won’t get you anywhere, Kira. You can whine all you want but it’s not going to do you any good.” Miriallia downs the last of her beer, slapping the bar counter. “Oh, that feels good.” 

Kira sits quietly beside her, rolling his empty glass against the countertop somberly. “Can’t I just forget everything?”

Milly glances at him from the corner of her eye. She shakes her head and lets out a sigh. “That’s no good either. I tried to live in denial, but they all caught up to me eventually.” Kira continues playing with his beer glass, and the only sound that can be heard in Milly’s small apartment rental is glass clinking against the wooden table. Milly turns to her side, an arm resting against the counter. This man called her suddenly in the middle of the night around a month ago, asking where she is and what she’s doing. She told him she’s doing some reflecting while doing freelance work for news outlets. That she’s in Victoria, but heading to Panama in a few days. He said he’ll meet her there. And he did. She didn’t really ask him any questions; she just let him stay at her rental, and let him follow her to her jobs. But it’s been almost a month. “What are you doing, Kira? You’re a mess. What did you even plan on doing after you left home?”

“I don’t know.” Kira runs a hand through his hair. It’s grown longer and messier. “I just knew I had to get out of there. I -- I keep on seeing Flay, Milly. Then I wake up, and I feel suffocated. I haven’t seen Flay in my dreams for so long. I thought it was over, that I’ve moved on, but I haven’t. So I thought if I left, maybe things would get better.”

“And did things become better?” Milly waits for some time for Kira to answer, but he doesn’t. “It’s difficult not to feel guilty about being alive, but that’s what we are -- alive. Might as well make the most of it when we can.” Milly reaches out to hold Kira’s hand in hers. He’s still quiet. “We can’t save everyone, Kira.”

“I know.” Kira’s voice is soft and pained. “I know that. I just feel I was let off easy. For all the things I’ve done, I don’t think I was punished enough.”

Milly opens another beer bottle and drinks a good amount. “At this point, I don’t think anyone can tell whether or not you were punished enough. However you want to deal with this, that’s on you now.” Kira nods silently, almost unsure. Milly thinks she might have said her words a bit harshly, so she quickly adds, “But you’re not alone. You have me, Lacus, Cagalli, and all our other friends.”

“Right.” 

Milly thinks Kira doesn’t seem too enthusiastic at the mention of his friends though. She purses her lips and clucks her tongue. “Kira, when was the last time you even checked up on Lacus?”

Kira frowns, and his eyes do not leave the beer glass in front of him. “I love Lacus. But I can’t keep on dragging her down. She doesn’t deserve to go through this. You were right, Milly. This is on me.”

Milly sighs, almost in exasperation. “Kira, it is on you. But that doesn’t mean you have to leave her behind, or leave her hanging. You’ve been together for so long; she’s probably worried sick. I’m not a relationship counselor, but one way or another, you’ll have to talk to her.”

x

Lacus doesn’t believe her eyes when she sees Kira standing at their doorstep, looking a bit more rugged than before he left. He directs his gaze to the wooden floorboards of their home when Lacus doesn’t stop staring at him. Finally, Lacus finds her voice. “You’re back.”

Kira gently drops his bags on the stool nearest him. “I’m sorry. I let you wait too long.”

“It’s okay.” Lacus wipes her hands on her apron, and she takes a few steps towards him. She had been cooking dinner, and she’s been cooking for only one the past few weeks, so now she’s worried that Kira hasn’t eaten yet and won’t be able to have enough food for dinner. But she thinks that’s probably the least of her worries. She approaches gently. “Were you able to find what you were looking for?”

Kira bites on his lower lip. “It’s...difficult to say. I don’t know how to explain it right now. I’m sorry, Lacus.” Kira struggles with how to tell Lacus what he’s been going through. Lacus has always been wonderful, but there are some things he cannot express to her as openly as he can to Milly. Maybe in time, he’ll be able to explain everything to her, but now he just hopes he hasn’t used up her patience yet. 

Lacus offers him a soft but somewhat guarded smile. “That’s okay. I understand.” 

Milly was right about two things: that Kira had to figure himself out and find a way to live with all his baggage; and that Kira had to have an honest conversation with Lacus about all this. He’ll get to both eventually. He just needs some time. Truly, he thinks Lacus deserves better than him, and he often wonders why she stays. But Kira’s learned to just be grateful, and to just be the man Lacus does deserve. They’ve already come this far, after all.

“Thank you. I appreciate that.” Kira wraps an arm around her and kisses the side of her forehead. “I haven’t been honest to you, Lacus. I haven’t been fair to you either. But I...I will be better, Lacus. I promise.”

Lacus buries her face against his shirt. He’s come back. That’s all that matters. She looks up at him with a big smile and tears in her eyes. “Welcome home.”


	16. Prelude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The world as it is now.

January, C.E. 80

Meyrin might have been joking, but Athrun reckons the therapist is actually quite helpful. Meyrin had referred him to a doctor a friend of her friend knows. The first few appointments didn’t go so well— he’s clammed himself up and given one-word answers, but the therapist had been patient. She even allowed Athrun to do most of their subsequent appointments via video call late at night because she knows and encourages Athrun’s journey to repentance.

The flashbacks have not stopped. They’ve decreased, but they haven’t stopped. His therapist says it may take time. The trauma was immense, and it is entirely possible his flashbacks will always remain, even if only slightly. 

There’s a bittersweet feeling to that. On one hand, he wishes for a healed mind. On the other, he doesn’t think he deserves such peace. He’s opened up to his therapist of this predicament before, telling her that he doesn’t quite know how to repent and move on. If he can or should be forgiven. Because he’s done despicable things, and he knows he should thank his lucky stars that he was even allowed to live. But then he mentions that living is much, much harder than death, as someone he cared for told him before, and perhaps people knew that death would be too easy, and that instead, living is his punishment. 

He later apologizes for rambling, but his therapist simply smiles and brushes it off. She tells him it’s fine to have these thoughts, and it’s good for him to express himself like that. He’s made good progress since the first time she’s met him, and she promises she’s not just saying these things because he’s paying her. Athrun appreciates it when she’d sometimes make jokes like that.

She’d turn serious then, and tells him again his thoughts and feelings are all valid. That it is difficult grappling with what he’s been through, and dealing with the consequences. She assures him that she’s not here to make him forget, or to absolve him from the weight of his mistakes. Her role is to simply identify triggers, to help him cope better, and to help him see a life beyond his past and his sins. 

There’s no need to forget. But there’s no need to dwell either. That’s what she tells him. And these days, his mind is clearer, and he sleeps easier at night. And for that, he is thankful.

X

Things haven’t exactly gone back to the way they were before. When before their time together had been filled with lively chatter and comfortable silence, now Lacus would find herself awkward and out of place.

Kira tries though. When he came back after disappearing for a month or so, they had a long, long talk about their relationship, and he knew he hadn’t been fair to Lacus. So he tries to make up for it — bringing her flowers, accompanying her to concerts (something he rarely did before), and cooking her dinner (he’s not very good at it but Lacus appreciates the effort). They’ve even agreed to visit a relationship counselor. A part of Lacus feels offended — she never thought she’d actually need professional help for something so private. But Cagalli tells her it’s normal, especially for people who’ve gone through what they have. And it might help Kira sleep easier at night. In any case, she hasn’t anything to lose from the consultation.

They’ve been to a few sessions, and progress has been quite slow. But Lacus has been told this is really a slow process, so it should be fine — this is normal. But even as early as now, Lacus has come to consider that there may be a part of Kira that she can never truly be part of — a past she cannot venture into, a place only Kira can have for himself. Just as well. Lacus has realized there are things that she could never tell Kira either. Things that Cagalli and Murrue — and funnily, her counselor, could better understand.

And perhaps, all these things unsaid don’t need to mean much in the grander scheme of things. She and Kira are doing their best, and there’s nothing wrong with a bit of privacy. Even from each other.

X

It’s not like Cagalli hasn’t tried to move on. She has, actually. But she finds that she can’t hold onto another man for very long.

Something will always go wrong. Personalities don’t fit. The long distance ruins things. Political ideologies differ. Something will always go wrong but Cagalli finds that she doesn’t care much if it does. She’s been busier than ever these days. Maybe her work distracts her from her heartbreaks. But she doesn’t think about it too much. That would have been time wasted, and she could find better use for that time.

Cagalli would be lying if she said she hadn’t thought of Athrun once or twice. It had been hard when he left her that second time. She had been understanding, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. Her responsibilities took her away from the pain. And it has become easier to put Athrun at a far corner in her mind. He’d pop up once in a while, but nothing too intense that it would break her down.

Sometimes Cagalli wonders if she’ll ever settle down and have a family of her own. That can’t be such a farfetched idea, can it? But then she remembers she has a country to lead.

She’s only turning 25 this year. She’s got time.


	17. Twin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kira and Cagalli settle who's older.

March, C.E. 80

It’s rare for Cagalli to visit Kira and Lacus in their home, but given Kira’s recent escapade, Cagalli felt she might as well drop by and see how the couple’s doing while she’s in the PLANTs for the annual peace summit. While Lacus prepares tea and pastries for the three of them, Cagalli finds herself looking at the framed photo of her and Kira being held by their birth mother while they were still infants. The photograph is sitting on the mantle above the fireplace, along with other framed photographs. And the more Cagalli thinks about it, the more she becomes annoyed. If there’s anything Cagalli detests, it’s unfinished business. 

Kira must have seen her fuming by herself. It isn’t difficult to guess: Cagalli’s brows are all scrunched up; her lips are pursed, and her nostrils are slightly flared. Kira approaches her cautiously. He looks at Cagalli, then to the photo, then back to his sister. “Heads, I’m older. Tails, you’re older.”

Cagalli whips her head to Kira’s direction, and Kira swears he sees some smoke coming from her ears. “What? This is a matter of grave importance! You can’t settle this with just a coin flip!”

Kira chuckles, shrugging, and he places his hands in his pockets. “Does it even matter?”

“Yes!” Cagalli looks at him as if he’s stupid. “So that I know if I have the birthright to boss you around or not!”

Now it’s Kira’s turn to have raised eyebrows and pursed lips. “That is such a narrow understanding of sibling dynamics.”

“Well, she’s not entirely wrong,” Lacus chimes in, carrying a large tray of tea and pastries. She places the food on the coffee table before seating herself on one end of the sofa, watching the bickering pair in amusement.

Kira sends Lacus an annoyed look, which she dismisses easily. He faces Cagalli again and sighs at her determined expression. “Cagalli, not even my mother knows. It’s useless trying to find out who’s older.”

Cagalli takes a moment to think, going over all possibilities, before raising both hands in surrender. “Fine. Then do the coin flip.”

Lacus’ smile widens, and she offers Kira a coin from her purse. Kira finds a spot in front of the sofa, while Cagalli positions herself behind Lacus, her hands pressed firmly against the leather couch. Kira flips the coin, and the three can only stare as the gold piece flips in the air and lands on the couch, stuck in between two cushions. The coin maintains upright, neither settling for heads nor tails. Amidst the laughter that erupts in the room, Cagalli wails in anguish, cursing her stupid brother for not knowing how to flip a stupid coin, and demanding that he do it another time — and to do it right this time.


	18. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yzak deals with relationship woes.

July, C.E. 80

If you were to ask Yzak Joule when he started liking Shiho Hahnenfuss, he cannot give you a definite answer. It isn’t because he seriously protects his privacy, which he does. It’s because he truly doesn’t know. All he remembers is the intense longing for her company, especially when she’s gone on a trip without him, the increasing need to see and talk to her everyday even if there’s really nothing urgent to talk about anyway, and the way his pulse beats faster than he can control whenever she’d accidentally touch him, and he’d try to hide how his pale face flushed red.

Yzak has always been a proud person, but he’s self-aware enough to know when he’s fallen for someone, though he would like to think that itself is too strong a term for whatever he’s feeling. In any case, this isn’t his first time to feel this way, so he sensed early the trajectory he’s on. At the same time, his temper aside, Yzak’s quite used to burying his feelings, so he never planned on acting on whatever emotions he felt for Shiho. Not really, anyway.

Regardless, Yzak found himself in probably the most ridiculous TV trope — working late with Shiho in the office, where something was bound to happen. And something did happen. They had urgent paperwork to finish, so Shiho stayed behind to help him finish everything. She tried to reach for a folder on top of the cabinet, but her height betrayed her, so Yzak decided to help. He miscalculated how close to Shiho he needed to be to grab the folder, and ended up directly in front of her, his face and lips painfully near her own. And just for a second, they drew themselves even closer to each other, and had already closed their eyes.

They stopped themselves at the last moment and laughed it off, but they both knew exactly what almost happened -- or what didn’t happen. It was hard not to know, when both their faces had remained flushed the rest of the night.

The next day, Shiho filed for a transfer request. There was a position she had been interested in for quite some time. And it was available. The new position effectively took her out of his chain of command — they both knew that was the primary reason for the request, but neither said anything about it.

They’re both good soldiers who follow the rules, and they weren’t about to tarnish their reputation with a fraternization charge. They’re both above those kinds of things anyway. So Yzak approved her request almost immediately, and by the end of the month, Shiho packed her things and moved offices. Yzak thought this would be a very good time to start forgetting about her. And he had all but lasted two months.

They met each other again at a celebration gala, and Yzak downed more champagne than he normally would because she looked fucking gorgeous in her dress, and really he just missed her terribly. Yzak was very proud of himself that night. They only made small talk for a few minutes, asking how each other was. He didn’t stay longer than he should, and he didn’t even ask her to dance. So Yzak felt quite good about himself.

But pride was different from perceptiveness, which he definitely lacked that night. His feelings must have clouded his usually good perception. Because suddenly someone was knocking on his door some time after midnight, and he was already prepared to admonish whoever was disturbing him at an ungodly hour. But it was Shiho at the door, still in her dress and make-up. And he can tell she was frustrated.

“What are you—” He barely got words out when she kissed him. Yzak was surprised, a bit more than he cared to admit, and he felt that all that effort he put into trying to forget her for two months went down the drain. But it’s Shiho. And Shiho’s in his arms, kissing him. And it would be a damn shame not to kiss her back, so he did, and it was probably one of the greatest things life has blessed him with.

Shiho spent the night with him, and in the morning they had a good talk about whatever this was. Yzak was embarrassed all throughout, but it wasn’t as bad as Yzak thought it would have been.

So since that day, he and Shiho had been meeting every week. Sometimes they’d go to dinner, or watch a movie, or visit art museums. Then they’d end up either in Yzak’s place or Shiho’s place, with limbs tangled under the sheets and laughing at whatever funny thing they said or did earlier.

Yzak won’t lie — it’s been bliss, and he’s been nothing short of happy. But it’s also been annoying. Because people have started talking. Everyone knew Shiho worked under him for years, so really their relationship was at least a bit suspicious — suspicious enough to get called into Personnel even though Yzak and Shiho had declared their relationship as soon as it happened.

Personnel let them go because there really was nothing to charge them for. They did nothing wrong, but that didn’t stop soldiers from gossiping. Yzak had grumbled at the petty chit chat he’d hear in the cafeteria, and on one occasion had expressed his annoyance to Shiho.

Shiho had taken a bite of the diner burger she ordered, and she had taken a sip of her strawberry milkshake. “Well, it is true that we started liking each other when I was still working under you.”

Yzak’s eyes had turned into slits, but this only made Shiho laugh. “Just whose side are you on?”

When Shiho’s laughter subsided, she had suddenly become sober. “I miss you.”

Yzak had looked at her in confusion. “I’m here with you now.”

Shiho had shaken her head, and she had smiled at him lovingly. “No. I mean, I miss spending most of my time with you. At work. I know we shouldn’t be too greedy. I’d much rather be with you like this than have to swallow my feelings for fear of being court-martialed. But I still miss you anyway.”

So that is why Yzak finds himself leaning against his vehicle in front of Shiho’s military station at half past six in the evening, which is when she usually leaves work. Part of him feels foolish for waiting like this, especially since people exiting the compound have been giving him odd looks. It isn’t everyday you see a soldier in civilian attire waiting for another soldier to take them on a date. But what Shiho said struck him. As much as she misses him, he misses her just as much, if not more.

Yzak has never been one to care what people thought anyway. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have defected at the last minute and aided the Eternal in the wars. This situation is no different, and he’d be damned if he let a couple of gossips get to him so easily.

He spots Shiho; she’s wearing a coat over her uniform, and she’s as beautiful as ever. She doesn’t fail to notice him and quirks a smile as she approaches him. “What are you doing here?”

Yzak lifts himself off the vehicle and stands straight, his hands in his pockets. “What does it look like? I’m giving you a ride home.”

Shiho’s eyebrows are raised in amusement. “I know, but we don’t do that —” She suddenly notices people are staring and hesitates a bit. She knows Yzak isn’t very comfortable with such public attention. “Are you sure this is okay? People are watching.”

“Screw them. Who cares what they think?” Yzak scoffs, but his face softens after a moment. “I miss you and I want to see you.”

Shiho is genuinely touched, and almost speechless. But she won’t let such a good opportunity pass. “Wow, Yzak Joule. Since when have you become a romantic?”

“Shut up.” Yzak rolls his eyes and grabs her hand to lead her to the car. Shiho’s only laughing as he does so. “Let’s go home.”


	19. Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Milly runs into Dearka

September, C.E. 80

It’s raining hard in December City, and it’s just Milly’s luck that she forgot her umbrella today. She’s been stranded at the bookstore entrance for half an hour already. She planned on waiting out the rain, but it doesn’t seem to be letting up anytime soon. Her apartment rental is just two blocks away, so Milly’s entertaining the idea of just drenching herself to get home. It’s been a long day and being a little wet wouldn’t be much of a concern if it means getting to lie down on her bed sooner.

She takes two steps out of the bookstore entrance when someone shields her from getting hit by the raindrops. She looks up to see a large black umbrella being held by a familiar blonde man with tanned skin, who, when their eyes meet, is as surprised as she is.

“Miriallia?”

“Dearka.”

They stand in silence for a good few awkward minutes. It doesn’t take a genius to guess that Dearka was trying to help a stranger about to drench herself in the downpour. But he didn’t realize the stranger just so happened to be his ex-girlfriend. He didn’t recognize her from inside the bookstore — it’s been years since they last saw each other, after all.

“Thanks,” Milly tells him, directing her gaze to the pavement. “I stay just two blocks from here. I can go by myself.”

“What? No, I’ll take you there,” Dearka offers, looking around to see the rain pouring harder than earlier. “I don’t have anywhere to be anyway.”

So Milly allows him to escort her to where she’s staying. She gives him directions, and she raises her voice when she does so because the rain has become loud. They arrive at the building entrance and step into the lobby shaking off the wetness as best they can. 

At that moment, the rain becomes deafening, and before Dearka can turn around to leave, Milly stops him. “Do you want coffee? Or a drink? The rain’s even worse now. Might as well wait it out at my place before going home.”

Dearka looks at her, as if assessing her intentions. Then he looks down to the ground. Milly can see hesitation in his eyes, but then he nods and says, “Sure.”

X

Dearka finds himself staring at the heavy rainfall from Milly’s window. The room is just a studio apartment, with a bed on one end and the bathroom and the kitchen on the other. There’s a couch in the middle, and it faces the only window in the apartment. It’s small, but enough for Milly to be comfortable. It isn’t like she’s staying in the city for long anyway. 

The rain really isn’t letting up. Part of him thinks he shouldn’t be here. He and Milly have had nothing to do with each other for years. It’s awkward and weird; that’s what it is. 

But then that’s exactly it — it’s been years. There’s nothing anymore. So this is just coming across an old acquaintance. Totally harmless. Nothing to worry about.

Milly, in a fresh change of clothes, brings him a bottle of beer, which he receives gratefully. She opens her own bottle and takes a sip. “Shouldn’t you be in the military station?”

Dearka drinks from his bottle. “I’ve resigned from my post.”

“Oh, wow.” Milly is genuinely surprised. She purses her lips in contemplation. “Good for you, I guess?”

“It has been good. Quiet, but good.” Dearka finds himself smiling. “What about you?”

Milly shrugs nonchalantly. Obviously she’s not about to open up to her ex-boyfriend. “Things are okay. Can’t really complain.”

Dearka nods in agreement. He finishes the last of his beer, and he entertains the idea that there’s a reason the universe allowed them to meet again like this. “I shouldn’t be saying this, but it’s good to see you again, Milly.”

Milly looks at him strangely, and Dearka bursts out laughing. “We didn’t exactly end on good terms. So it’s good to see you well.”

Milly smiles, almost shyly. “Same here.”

Dearka’s laughs subside to chuckles, and he decides to tease her a bit. “Come on, admit it. We had fun.”

Milly laughs quite loudly at that. She turns around to take a seat on the couch, tucking her legs beneath her knees. She props her chin against her hand that’s resting on top of the back pillows. “Yeah. All the meaningless sex was fun.”

Well, that hurt.

Outside, Dearka notices the rain has stopped. “Was it really meaningless?”

She meets his gaze, as if challenging him. “Wasn’t it?”


	20. Pancake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dearka, Milly, and the morning after.

September, C.E. 80

Milly awakes to the smell of butter and batter. She isn’t much of a cook, and she lives alone, so she isn’t sure if what she smells is all a dream. But then she removes the blanket on her and sits up on the bed. That’s when she spots Dearka moving about in her kitchen, wearing the pink apron she puts on display but never uses. 

Dearka, sensing movement behind him, turns around, spatula in hand. He flashes her one of his playful grins. “Mornin’.” 

When he notices Milly suspiciously looking at his pots and pans happily cooking on the stove, his expression turns sheepish. “Sorry, I raided your fridge. Hope you don’t mind.”

Milly shakes her head in amusement and gets up to see what he’s been cooking up in the kitchen. “All’s good.” She observes him transferring a golden pancake onto a plate which he passes on to her. Milly grabs a fork and stuffs a piece in her mouth, pleasantly surprised at the taste. “Wow. I never knew you could cook.”

Dearka chuckles, as he makes another piece. He says almost nonchalantly, “There are a lot of things you don’t know about me.” It takes him a while to realize what he’d just said. Her silence is clue enough. He flips the pancake. “Wait. I’m sorry. I didn’t --”

“No, you’re right,” Milly says soberly; her playful mood dissipates. “There are a lot of things I don’t know about you.”

Dearka is unsure why they’re suddenly so cautious and sensitive like this. It isn’t like anything happened the night before anyway. They only talked about the most random things, and he eventually fell asleep on the couch. He transfers the freshly cooked pancake onto Milly’s plate. “There are a lot of things I don’t know about you too.” Dearka gives her a half-hearted smile and shrugs his shoulders. “I guess we just never tried.”

Milly looks down at her pancakes, all round and golden and perfect, save for that piece she bit on. She is almost ashamed of herself. “Dearka.” She pauses and chews her lower lip, but her eyes do not leave the breakfast plate Dearka made for her. “Dearka, I want to try.”

Dearka is taken aback and doesn’t know what to say. Instead, he shuts off the stove. He places the utensils on the sink. He starts to fumble with the apron he borrowed. “Milly?”

Milly finally looks him in the eyes, sincere and sorry yet not pleading. “Can I try?”


	21. Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cagalli sends Kisaka off.

February, C.E. 81

Cagalli’s quite excited. It’s tradition for family to give away the groom and the bride on their wedding day, and Cagalli always imagined that she’d be giving away her child maybe in forty years. Never did she think that she’d be given the opportunity before she even turned thirty. But there she is in her seafoam dress, relaxing on a lounge chair and grinning proudly at one of the best men she’s ever known while he’s getting ready.

“Stop looking at me like that.”

“Like what?” Cagalli feigns innocence and remains calm in the face of Ledonir Kisaka’s stern expression. She’s used to that look anyway.

Kisaka gives Cagalli a blank stare as her face shifts to a playful expression. “Like that.”

Cagalli still acts like she doesn’t know what he’s talking about, so Kisaka can only sigh in exasperation. “Why are you even here? You’re not supposed to be.”

Kisaka’s right, of course. Traditionally, females aren’t allowed to be inside the groom’s chambers before the ceremony. Stupid customs, really. 

Cagalli shrugs, unaffected. “I have my ways. I’ve come to realize people find it very hard to deny me.”

Kisaka’s eyes are narrowed, but they both know he’s just thoroughly amused. He scolds her, “You’ve become so drunk with power.”

“For all the right reasons,” Cagalli says without missing a beat.

Kisaka responds drily, “You should be removed from position.”

“You wish,” Cagalli scoffs, rolling her eyes. 

Kisaka laughs, and it comforts Cagalli to hear his deep voice show so much mirth. She’ll miss that, and him. She stands from her seat and makes her way to him, who’s been standing in front of a full-length mirror. “It must’ve been difficult trying to keep me alive all these years. I feel like I’ve held you back for so long. I didn’t even know you had a long-time partner until recently.”

He smiles fondly at his ward — former ward, that is. “It’s been an honor to have watched you become the person you are now. You’ve endured well. I’m very proud of you.”

“You’ve endured well too. Thank you for putting up with me.” Cagalli smiles up at him, reaching to fix his crooked tie. Then she offers him a wide grin, with a mischievous sparkle in her eye. “I call dibs on godmother!”


	22. Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andy, Cagalli, and the perfect cup of coffee.

August, C.E. 81

“Ten years ago, no one would’ve guessed that the Desert Tiger and I will be sitting together drinking coffee like this.” Cagalli sips the brew Andrew Waltfeld made for her. “As always, this is really good coffee.”

Cagalli always says it’s the good coffee that makes her visit the veteran’s humble apartment in Orb, but Andy knows it’s because Cagalli longs for company. All their friends are either busy or far away. Some are both. Fortunately, working at Morgenroete under Erica Simmons makes Andy very accessible to Cagalli. He doesn’t mind her frequent visits though; they’re good friends, and he enjoys her company. He knows she enjoys his company too.

Andy snorts in laughter. “Hey, don’t you forget that ten years ago, we did sit together to drink coffee. Aisha even got you to dress up pretty nicely.”

At the mention of his deceased lover, Cagalli becomes silent, and she glances at the beautiful lady in the frame that’s sitting on the side table. “I’m sorry.”

Andy sighs. “What for? It wasn’t your fault.”

“I’m still sorry.” Cagalli reaches out for Andy’s hand; Andy looks at her gratefully. After a while, Cagalli leans back into her seat, intent on steering the conversation to another direction. “So, for the great Andrew Waltfeld, master of all things coffee, I never got to ask -- what is the perfect brew?”

Andy’s thoughts immediately go to Aisha, and he smiles gently. “It was never about the brew. It was always about the person you make it for, or the person you drink with, or the person who made it for you.”

As Cagalli nods in agreement, Andy quickly adds, “Obviously, the brew can’t be crap either. Otherwise, it’s just bad for everyone.”

Laughing, they both take a sip of another perfect cup of coffee.


	23. Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kira and Lacus start fresh.

December, C.E. 81

When Caridad Yamato was approached by Kira and Lacus with the idea of settling down in a quiet town along Orb’s borders, she was ecstatic. Together, they pooled their savings and opened a quaint coffee shop. 

On Day 1, a few interested locals drop by on their opening day, but there aren’t enough customers to break even. Kira starts panicking at the thought of losing money, but Lacus calms him down.

By Day 13, all their friends have visited the shop. Their big orders make up for the lack of income on opening day, and Kira begins to breathe again.

On Day 47, word of their coffee shop starts spreading, and Caridad beams at the thought of having regular patrons.

By Day 126, the shop already has regulars. Caridad happily sings while serving her customers.

On Day 189, Kira’s nightmares have stopped, and he has since pulled Lacus closer to his side while they’re sleeping.

On Day 235, Kira asks Lacus to marry him. She says yes.

On Day 488, Kira and Lacus marry at a small chapel, with all their close friends in attendance. Caridad cannot stop crying. 

On Day 615, Lacus learns she is pregnant. Kira dances her around the living room, while Caridad cheers them on.

On Day 849, baby Kayley is born. She is so precious, and Caridad almost stops breathing when little Kayley grabs Caridad’s finger with her tiny hands.

On Day 1,027, Caridad looks over at Kira, Lacus and Kayley sitting on the sofa at home, the little one playing with the haro Athrun had made for her. Caridad never thought she’d see the day her life is at peace. But here she is happy, with a family safe and whole.


	24. Choice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Athrun chooses.

January, C.E. 82

She sees him just as she exits the Parliament building. He’s standing across the street in jeans and an untucked dress shirt. He seems healthy. Weary, but healthy.

“Chief Representative?” The guard calls Cagalli’s attention. He had opened the car door for her.

Cagalli stares at the man across the street. He’s staring at her too. She doesn’t know what he’s doing here, or what he wants. And honestly if it had been any other person on the other side of the road, it would have been downright creepy.

She closes her eyes, sighing. She can feel she’s about to make a bad decision. She takes a step back from the car, and shakes her head at the guard, signalling him to close the car door. She knocks on the driver’s window. Once he pulls the window down, she tells him, “I’ll bring myself home tonight. You can go now.”

“Are you sure, Lady Cagalli?”

“Yes. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.” Cagalli flashes him a big smile.

“If you say so, Ma’am. I’ll see you in the morning. G’night!” The driver pulls the window up, and drives away, with Cagalli waving at him from behind. 

Cagalli looks up again to see the man staring at her. She can’t quite figure out his eyes, and the way he looks at her. Then again, she can’t quite figure how to feel about the man who broke her heart coming back so suddenly after so long either. In any case, she’s not afraid of him; and she’s sure he’s harmless. She swallows and walks across the street to meet him.

X

“How long have you been here?” Cagalli wears the hardened stare she’s practiced several times on her own, the look she often displays when faced with the emirs at a parliament session. At this point, she’s not about to give anything away, not even to Athrun Zala.

Athrun’s eyes study her for a second, his gaze soft. His voice is even softer. “About half a year or so.”

But Cagalli isn’t about to give in so easily, even if she can already feel a lump in her throat. She’s a seasoned politician— she can handle talking to an ex-boyfriend. It’s not like this is the first time an ex came to see her anyway. Cagalli figures it’s much easier to be direct. “So you came to see me now. Why?”

Athrun notices the unnatural tempering of her voice. He’s treading on thin ice, so he proceeds with caution. “I just felt it was time. I’m back on my feet with some semblance of where I want my life to go.” Athrun knows he shouldn’t bite more than he can chew, but he’s already come this far. “So I thought it would be alright to see you again.”

“I see.” This is probably the point when Cagalli should’ve bid him goodbye and turned away. But it’s Athrun. And no matter how much she denies it, Athrun’s different from her other ex-boyfriends — a cut above the rest, in fact. Besides, no one has seen him in ten years, and she’s curious. “So, where do you want your life to go?”

“It’s probably better to show you.” Athrun’s smile is so gentle, and Cagalli melts just the slightest bit. “Do you have time to spare?”

“I’m free,” Cagalli says before thinking, grumbling to herself that Athrun brings out the worst in her.

X

Cagalli finds herself looking at a small two-story shop that’s obviously in the process of being furnished. The glass door and large window are noticeably dusty, and they have large white tapes that form an X-mark pasted on them. The wooden signage hanging above the window looks too old and worn-out that Cagalli can barely make out the words on it.

Athrun‘s gaze is fixed on Cagalli as she surveys the establishment. She’s become older, much older than she should look at her age, though Athrun feels the style is more deliberate than anything. Her features have become sharper and more toned. She exudes a kind of power that intimidates, a presence that he knows can only be built by years of hardened experience. She exhibits total control of her expressions and movements, with just the slightest hint of emotion — you barely even notice it, and only if you pay very close attention. Every step, gaze and flick of the hand are calculated that it’s almost scary. But Athrun knows she needs all of that to survive in her position. There can be no instance that paints her as vulnerable — never again. But despite these changes, she is still the same Cagalli he remembers. He can still sense the emotion, energy and warmth brimming inside her in the way she shifts her gaze or her tone or her posture. If anything’s really changed, it’s that she’s become even more beautiful than he ever thought possible.

Athrun admits it’s quite shameless of him to appear all of a sudden after almost a decade of no communication. They have, for all intents and purposes, severed their connection when he left Orb after the second war. So really, he should be very thankful Cagalli hasn’t kicked him to the curb just yet. But he’s still here, not really knowing how he should direct the conversation or even what he expects out of this conversation; all he knows is that he should at least try something — anything. So Athrun figures the best thing to do is to catch up first because ten years is a long time, and he should start rebuilding whatever friendship is left.

“The Zala family came from old money,” Athrun explains, as he leads Cagalli through the door and into the shop. “And being the only heir, I’ve inherited a small fortune, which the PLANTs released when I submitted the proper documents a few years ago, and I transferred some of it to an Orb bank.”

Cagalli looks around the shop. White shelves are either lined up against the wall or positioned in the middle. There is an L-shaped table to the right of the store, which Cagalli assumes will serve as a checkout counter, while a few wooden work desks are placed to the left. Large sheets of plastic are strewn over the shelves and tables, and large cardboard boxes filled with colorful scraps of metal are littered on the floor. Cagalli isn’t any expert, but she can make an educated guess what those colorful scraps of metal will be used for. She turns to Athrun. “And you’ve decided to open up a toy shop.” Cagalli takes Athrun’s nod as confirmation. “That is...unexpected.”

Athrun leans against the nearby shelf, crossing his arms over his chest. “Well, aside from being a soldier, making those toys is the only thing I’m good at.”

“I hardly believe that,” Cagalli replies easily, almost scoffing. She probably shouldn’t be so talkative but she can’t help herself. She picks up one of the scraps of metal. It’s hot pink with a convex shape, and she recalls the annoying round machine that jumps around Lacus all the damn time. “To your benefit, haros haven’t actually been introduced to the mainstream market at all. And since you’ll be doing the handiwork yourself, then there’s a definite premium. If you’re able to innovate continuously in the succeeding years, I don’t see why your shop wouldn’t succeed.” She places the metal back into the box and shoots a side glance at Athrun, who has since put his hands in his pockets and put on an amused smile. Cagalli thinks nothing of it. “You’re cleared for all the required documents?”

“Of course.”

Cagalli faces him then. Regardless of who they are to each other, she still wants to ensure he’s all set and well. “And have you hired your staff?” 

“I’m in the process of doing that, yes.”

“But —Haro Toys.” Cagalli narrows her eyes at the words on a large newly-printed signage leaning against what she supposes is the checkout counter. She frowns. “That is a terrible name.”

But Athrun is unbothered. “It’s clear and straight to the point.”

Cagalli purses her lips in disdain. “Be sure to hire yourself a good marketer, Athrun. You’ll need one.”

Athrun gives out a light chuckle, but he’s nodding. “I’ll take note of that.”

Cagalli looks around again, inspecting the interior, and she asks nonchalantly, “When are you scheduled to open?”

“In a few months.” Athrun’s answer comes easily from him, but he pauses for a few seconds before continuing. “Will you come to the opening?”

Cagalli stops in her movements, and she turns to face Athrun once more, his expression almost hopeful. She drops her gaze and lightly brushes her fingertips against a nearby table. She knows where this conversation is headed, and she doesn’t want them to make anything less than an informed decision. So she finally decides to lay out all her cards because there’s no use in keeping them hidden. This isn’t a parliament session. It’s Athrun. She knows what he wants, what he’s always wanted — a wife, a family, a home. But she can’t give him that. “You know I can’t give you what you want.”

It’s a response Athrun’s always expected, so he isn’t really disappointed— well, he’s a bit disappointed. But it’s Cagalli, and it isn’t like he came back to Orb not knowing what it will have to take to stay. “I know. I’m still here anyway. And I’ll always be here. Regardless of any romantic attachment to you.” He says it because it’s the truth, and he means every word. 

For a moment, Cagalli allows herself to be vulnerable and betray emotion. “Athrun —”

“Of course I’d prefer to maintain the romantic attachment,” Athrun quickly adds. There’s no point in being anything but honest to Cagalli, after all. “But I know better than to force you into something you don’t want to do.” Because after ten years, he’s learned and accepted that there are bigger things in life than their relationship. It hurts — he’s not going to lie, but that’s the reality of their world, and he’s mature enough to handle it with grace.

Cagalli doesn’t answer immediately. After a moment’s silence, Cagalli, with her voice just above a whisper, asks, “Have you found yourself?”

Athrun nods. It took years, but he has. And he can say that in good conscience.

Cagalli probes further. “And you’re sure this is where you want to be?”

Athrun nods again. In truth, he’s always known what destination he wanted to journey towards. It’s just been a very long and confusing journey.

Cagalli is frightened and hesitant. She does not want to be hurt a second time by the same person she — despite her numerous attempts to deny it — still loves dearly. “How can you be so sure?”

“Because now I know and understand that I have a choice in this world.” Athrun takes her hand in his, and his eyes never leave hers. “Love is a choice. Commitment is a choice.” He kisses both her hands, rough and weary but strong and firm. “And I choose you.”


	25. Flower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cagalli makes a choice too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Completing this work has been a wonderful journey for me as a writer, and I hope it’s been the same for you too. Thank you for reading!

January, C.E. 83

And Athrun does show Cagalli he chooses her. Every day.

He makes her breakfast because Cagalli isn’t really a morning person, and she would’ve just skipped her morning meal otherwise.

He litters love letters for her around the house, in between her stacks of paperwork, and wherever else he knows she’ll be looking. Some short and sweet, others long and profound. 

He visits her at her office during lunchtime, mindful of her busy schedule and her longing for company while she eats.

He sends her flowers — sunflowers, her favorite, to her office just because it’s a Monday and he feels like it.

He buys her the wooden music box with gold carvings they saw in an antique store on one of their dates just because she mentioned in passing that she always wanted one as a child.

He notices the little things; he makes Cagalli feel noticed. Wanted. Loved. He makes up for lost time; he makes Cagalli feel her time is worth it. Most of all, he makes Cagalli feel as if she doesn’t need to choose at all. Drat. Despite the warmth he brings into her life, it hurts her to see him so open and vulnerable like this. For her.

Part of her thinks she doesn’t deserve this. It’s unfair to him, because Cagalli knows she can’t give back everything he’s willing to offer. She still has a country to lead, and while Orb has been more or less stable, pockets of conflict are still sprouting. This is not the time to be complacent, or to be distracted. Oh, but it is such a lovely and handsome distraction. 

And just thinking of what people will say if and when they reveal this — it’s going to be ugly and messy. The public always had an interest in her love life even though they really shouldn’t, and she’s seen speculations and predictions of who and when she’ll marry. It really shouldn’t be anyone’s business, but they’ve made it theirs anyway. And her publicist has mentioned — repeated, numerous times — that polls have indicated she should marry a fellow Orb noble or perhaps an established and well-supported government leader from one of Orb’s allied states. Cagalli needn’t ask, but she doesn’t think the Orb public would take too kindly if her choice for a life partner is a controversial war veteran who has loyalty issues and who happened to be the son of a former genocidal PLANTs chairman.

Just thinking about all these externalities makes Cagalli’s head hurt, more than a 300-page document on foreign policy reforms ever could. Can they even handle this? It’s so much easier to just leave the past behind. They had no business unearthing old and outdated feelings like this. She ponders back and forth whether to end things finally; she can’t bear to keep on hurting each other like this. 

And honestly — Athrun should have known better. She should have known better too. Otherwise, she shouldn’t and wouldn’t have let him into her bed, letting him hold her and kiss her and feel things she shouldn’t be feeling. Honestly, she would’ve thought they’re mature enough to be above those kinds of things. 

Fuck Athrun. Coming into her life so suddenly, and making her have to confront all these things. The past decade has been peaceful, and he had to go and ruin her peace of mind with his generous attention, soft touches, and tender gazes that make her melt in his arms. 

Cagalli looks over at Athrun from the candlelit dinner he prepared for their date. His eyes are so warm, and despite all that she knows he’s capable of doing, he looks so small and timid. No matter, Cagalli is firm in her resolve. “Athrun, I’ve decided.”

Athrun looks up in confusion. “Pardon?”

To hell with propriety. To hell with public opinion. To hell with the emirs. Athrun knows her by now. He knows exactly what he’s getting into, yet he’s still here. He’s strong, and she’s just as strong, if not stronger. In any case, her publicist is good anyway; she can handle this. It’s not like being with Athrun will bring about a third war — right? He’s a toy maker now, anyway. It would be ridiculous for any nation to be threatened by a simple toy maker with no influence and connections (mostly) to any military or government — well, except his connection to her. But she doesn’t count. Right. And who knows? A little shock value might even boost her ratings. You’ll never know.

For everything the world’s thrown at her, she just wants to be happy. “I choose you too.”

Oh, it’s going to be a bloody field day.


End file.
